Today ohhhh today....

Today was kind of a somber but bittersweet day for me. I thought about the passing of my grandfather this morning and how shocked and upset that the Lord would take him away from me so fast without me being able to say goodbye. Last year I felt like I lost a huge part of my life. I would always turn to my grandfather if times were tough and he was always good at giving me advice. This whole year I was upset because I felt the doctors could have done more to help him. I often go to sleep and wake up thinking about him and how I miss him so much. Sometimes when I'm driving and my kids talk about Pa I will just be sad and start to cry. I know the pain will continue but I know it will subside as the days come closer knowing that I can be with him again. Today I tried to go through the day as fast as possible and try to do things that would make me not think about the passing and I did good until I started writing and reading a wonderful note my husband wrote to me. I felt I needed to express my love for my grandfather because he is/was a very important part of my life. I am grateful for the gosple of Jesus Christ and that he is willing to let my family be together forever. I am grateful that I can be with my family forever. I never thought my life would be like how it is and I am so incredibly grateful for the trials that I have gone through because I feel it only makes me stronger in the end. I know that I am Jesus loves me and that He forgives me for the mistakes I have made. I am who I am and I can't change what I have done. I have a loving husband who takes care of me and is proud to be my husband. I love him with all that I have and all that I can give. I want him to know that and I want the whole blogosphere readers to know that. We struggle daily but I know that when I put my head on the pillow at night I know I have an eternal husband who loves me and will never judge me. I am proud to be a mother of three beautiful spiritual gifted children. I WILL always try to do my best to be a better mother. I know I have my faults and I loose patience with them but at night they are my precious angels sent from above. I always have to thank the missionaries for blessing me with the gospel. They are my light and love and I admire the sacrifice and love they have for the gospel. They have made my life a better life. YES YOU JEN since I know you are one of my blog readers ;) ;). In closing I love my life, I love who I am. I won't ever change who I am. I'm ME!

poem for my papa

Today I thought about you today I felt to say
Today I knew I missed you today you went away,
To live with Heavenly Father, to watch me as I live,
To teach my children how to love and care and teach them how to give.
Today I missed you as always when I cooked, and cleaned and played.
Today I thought about you each time I stopped and prayed.
Today I tried to make time fly as fast as it could be,
Today I was sad because you couldn't be with me.
Today I know you're up there smiling and telling me I'm doing just great.
Today I wish I could fish with you and you would help with putting on the bait.
You always did the dirty work and would always fix the boat. Even if it was sinking it would always come afloat. You helped me when you were healthy, you look so frail but so strong. Everytime you were working I would hear you hum a song. My memories of you are clear as clear as they can be. I just wish just for one more memory that you were here with me.
Today I closed my eyes, and saw your glowing face but then I have to remember you are in a special place. A place that is called Heaven, it's not so far above. I know that always and forever I will always feel your love.

~MAY~

As I sit and think about this month I think of what has happend in the past and what is to come. I am celebrating my 30th Birthday which I'm not sure how I feel about. I'm excited but was always hoping for something AWESOME to happen but feel it won't. We'll see! I think of my life and all the birthday parties I had growing up as a child and remembering what fun times I had. I think my most favorite was when we celebrated at the horsefarm and I was able to ride a horse. I always loved costume parties and would always try and get away with wearing my dance recital costume and have my mom yell at me because she didn't want it to get dirty before the recital day. I used to have scavenger hunts and play mother may I and wear cute dresses as a girl. Now that I'm older I just don't even know how to party! I had a good life. Now my little man is turning 6. He is the light of my life. He is everything that I ever wanted in my life. He tells me I'm beautiful, he tells me it will be ok, he'll even tell me if my shirt makes me look fat or my butt looks big. James is a special spirit sent from God. I never knew being a mother would change my life in so many ways. I try so hard to be the best I know I'm not I'm not even remotely close to being there but I try so hard and just want the best for my children. As we celebrate I am just grateful he is mine. I have such a testimony in motherhood if I don't in the gosple at least I have my motherhood. I know that God has sent this little man to me for so many reasons. He wants me to learn patience, understanding, honesty, trust. I'm proud of James and who he is becoming. I'm sad to be celebrating the passing of my grandfather this year but I love who he is and was and what he will be. He was my everything. I miss him everyday. I cry for him everyday. I know that one day I will be with him. I hope that oneday when I have the courage I can write more about him because he was such an amazing person and he accomplished so many things. I also love May because I love celebrating Memorial Day. A lot of my family members have served for our country and I am blessed to remember them and thank them for what they have done. We will also be moving soon and life has been crazy trying to pack and get ready. We aren't moving far but it's always a pain to just get up and move on again and again. I know one day we will find our home and make it our own but for now we keep renting and figure out our life and what we want to do.

James's concert

A few weeks ago James had his first program at school. It was awesome! The scenery and the way it was put together was excellent. I was very proud of him. Oh and please ignore my singing. The song is a bit catchy!